Undefeated Since 1964
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
Written by Andrew Paduano
A totally real and not fabricated story about the greatest football team of all time and all their accomplishments – The Cleveland State Vikings.
The Forbidden History
A long time ago, at a college not-so-far-away, an American football team was born. Not any football team; no, this is the best football team to ever exist in the history of humankind. A team that is victorious with every step they take. Since 1964, this unstoppable force has been none other than Cleveland State University’s football team – The Vikings.
Now…there was another football team, The Wolverines, from The University of Michigan.
I repulse at just writing these words, which form into some grotesque creature only the worst of nightmares can conceive. They make me repulse. From now on, I will be referring to them as “The Team.”
The Team is the exact opposite of The Vikings. Everything The Vikings do is good, and everything The Team does is evil. This is a law of the universe that cannot be broken. Any person who says otherwise is corrupt. You must know this in all of your being. The amount of vile, disgusting behavior from everything that surrounds their team is simply inconceivable.
Why am I telling you all this, you may ask? Because ever since the beginning, The Team has relentlessly obliterated every piece of history from The Vikings’ records. Every game, every year, every piece of media and press, the team destroys immediately after. Their portentous wave of evil is like a deadly swarm of wasps. Always frantic. Always ready to sting at a moment's notice. They have zero talent. What they lack, they make up for in ruthless deceit.
The truth lives with the ambiguity of the words used to create it.
I’m writing this in defiance of decades of ruthless attacks. I’m writing this to finally bring The Viking’s history out of pure darkness and into the light. No one knows exactly how The Team does it…but some theorize they use resources to continually grow a team of secret agents whose only purpose in life is to eradicate all evidence. Some say they take massive red Sharpies and cross out information like petulant kindergartners. It has been said that during every game against The Team, the scoreboard will repeatedly “malfunction” and show them winning. Tech experts say they're just glitches, but we all know they’re being bribed.
They make it look like they have a slight chance, because if they spoke truth, the world would know they lose.
Every. Single. Time.
The only reason The Buckeyes from The Ohio State University and The Team are titular rivals, is because the team knows The Buckeyes are second-best to The Vikings. It gives them at least a chance. The Vikings and The Buckeyes are actually good friends, but people would never know (unless you count the mascot incident of 1994).
The Greatest Team to Ever Exist
Many heroes sacrificed their lives to bring us this information.
Every single action The Vikings take is awe-inspiring. Blessed with the hands of fate itself, the team literally never loses. They frequently score upwards of 1,000 points against other teams, all while keeping them at zero.
During some unknown game versus The Team in 1970, a quarterback threw a ball that flew into the upper atmosphere, which is still in orbit to this day. The running backs have averaged 670 yards per carry since 1964. They have so many trophies that the obsidian trophy table collapsed under its own weight (rated for 69 tons). They won the National Championship final game in 1992 against The Team, with a score of 11,231,984 to zero. There is nothing they cannot do.
The current 6-foot-7 coach for The Vikings, Ragñor Vóoodličker, wields a gigantic Mjölnir made out of pure grade five titanium and is known to reprimand his players when they show the slightest hint of falter during training. It is rumored that other coaches wear diapers when near him, but they all deny it.
The current quarterback, Maňguş Büttsñortēr, holds the highest bench press at 950 pounds, and he can do 250 reps without a single breath. It is said that his stare instills fear into all who oppose him, filling them with chronic nightmares the likes of which no other human has ever experienced.
The mascot, Mangus, is the sole face of the team. He embodies the epic Viking spirit like no other. It is rumored that the bald retired president, Harlan Sands, is now the mascot, but I didn’t tell you that.
Here are some awesome highlights of past Vikings coaches:
The first female head coach in all football history, Õlga Veņdrikãla the Great, was one of the most influential coaches in the history of The Vikings. Her half-time speeches were just her solely lifting a diesel locomotive. She is the least known because everyone – and I mean everyone – was scared of her.
The head coach of 1985, Asťrǐd the Angry, was known to tear footballs in half every time he got mad and then swallow them, which meant there were 500 backup footballs per game. He claims it had a lot of protein.
Coach Böutyčheâk Thëaseus IX was a coffee connoisseur who fed the entire team 500 pounds worth of pure coffee beans before every game.
The infamous Woody Hayes of The Buckeyes never actually punched Charlie Bauman in 1978; that was all faked. Rather, he punched a Viking. This was the true reason for his retirement. The Team wants you to remain clueless.
Victors are not the writers of history. Rather, those who write history become victors.
You think the feeble “Horseshoe” stadium of The Buckeyes is history’s star? You thought wrong. The Vikings stadium – The Lion’s Fury – is the most grandiose stadium ever constructed on Earth. The location and exact details are shrouded in murky vision because of the ruthless nature of The Team’s efforts, but we still can share some details. Shaped like the face of a mighty lion, grand pillars and arches imitating the authoritative nature of ancient Greece bathe in the architecture of this beauty.
The Vikings will continue to live on as the best team in the history of humankind. The Team will continue to live within darkness and deceit. Regardless, The Vikings efforts will not go unknown. Their aura will never die out.
Like the Roman Empire, they will be known as the empire. The ones to be feared. The victors.
They are undefeated since 1964.
