Pass the Turkey, not the Tension

1 day ago
5 min read

Updated: 23 hours ago

Written by Helaina Rucinski

Why does Thanksgiving dinner so often turn into a battleground of tension?

For many families, the turkey isn’t the only thing getting roasted at Thanksgiving dinner. The holiday meal may seem more like a contest than a celebration with all the political debates, unsolicited life advice, and that one relative who “just wants to talk about the election.” As voices of family members become louder and mashed potatoes grow colder, you might find someone suddenly “checking on the pie” as an excuse to flee.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of thankfulness rather than gritted teeth, but for many families, the main dish comes with a side of drama. Whether it’s a combination of strong personalities, opposing views or your mom’s desire to make sure the turkey is done her way - tension seems to find its seat at the table.

Why It Happens

So why does Thanksgiving bring out everyone’s inner debater?

Eric Allard, psychology department chair and associate professor at Cleveland State, explains that much of the tension comes from the circumstances surrounding the holiday itself.

“Thanksgiving is a compressed time frame in which people are getting together,” Allard said. “The travel and exhaustion can lead you to be in a kind of hyper-tense state to begin with.”

Add that to the mix of generations, each with its own beliefs and opinions, and it’s easy to see how small talk can spiral into debate. Allard said that these diverse perspectives often make conflict more likely, especially when everyone feels comfortable speaking freely.

“We’re much more emboldened to get into conflict with people that we know and that we feel comfortable being around,” Allard explained. “Arguments can be pleasurable for some.”

According to Allard, much of this tension comes from two basic social motives - the desire to be right and the desire to be liked. When those collide, the focus can shift from gratitude to getting in the last word.

The Gen Z Perspective

For many members of Generation Z, Thanksgiving dinner can feel like entering a live group chat they can’t leave. They know which subjects to avoid, as well as which relatives to steer clear of. Sometimes it's politics, other times it’s TikTok, pronouns or “kids these days.”

Cleveland State sophomores Bridget Green and Emma Sanders say they’ve both seen their share of family drama at the Thanksgiving dinner table, and they’ve learned a few survival skills along the way.

For Green, Thanksgiving drama isn’t an occasional event, it’s practically a tradition.

“Arguments are bound to happen because they do every Thanksgiving,” Green said.

With her parents split, she attends two separate dinners each year, which she said only doubles her chances of witnessing those awkward moments.

For Green’s family, political views are usually what spark tension. Her grandparents lean conservative, while her mom is liberal, making clashes between them inevitable.

“The arguments usually start passive-aggressively between them,” Green said.

Rather than jumping into the debate, she tries to stay calm.

“I normally try to ignore it the best I can,” Green said, “because I know if I get involved, I’ll get heated too.”

As a piece of advice to others, Green said to try and focus on being patient and not to get involved.

“It never really goes anywhere,” she said. “It doesn’t help anyone to fuel the fire.”

Sanders’ family has labeled their 2023 Thanksgiving “the incident,” and for good reason. The dinner brought relatives from across the country, but instead of bonding over food, they found themselves arguing over politics – a routine part of the Sanders’ family gatherings.

“We went to play a card game called 31 after dinner,” Sanders said. “We had to draw cards to split ourselves into two tables since our family is so big.”

“My cousin Jayden drew a card pairing her with all of the uncles, who are all extremely conservative men,” she said. “She made a joke like, ‘Oh, I got stuck with all the Trump supporters,’ and after that, everything blew up.”

The joke quickly escalated into an argument so tense that Jayden stormed out.

“She didn’t just leave and go back to her mom’s house,” Sanders said. “She drove all the way back from my grandma’s house in Youngstown to her college in West Virginia.”

The tension lingered long after Thanksgiving dinner. Jayden skipped Christmas that year and every other family gathering until the following Thanksgiving.

When conversations start to go downhill, Sanders knows exactly what to do.

“My grandma’s house has an upstairs that no one really uses,” she said. “So my cousins and I just go up there to hang out and eat when things get awkward.”

Her advice for surviving a chaotic dinner is simple - “Know who to avoid and steer clear,” Sanders said. “Don’t say anything to start them up, and if you do, just be smart about it. Have a comeback ready.”

The Art of Avoiding Awkward Topics

Most families have that one person who can sense when things are tense and steps in. Maybe they direct everyone toward dessert, or think of something in the kitchen that “needs checking.” In uncomfortable situations, these small diversions can be lifesavers.

Allard said that handling heated conversations isn’t about avoiding them altogether – it’s knowing how to keep them respectful.

“It’s okay to have these conversations and debates,” Allard said. “There are ways to do it and be a mature adult about it.”

One of Allard’s biggest tips is to find common ground. He suggests steering the conversation toward shared values or topics that make everyone happy, rather than points of disagreement.

“Guess what people love to do,” Allard said. “They love to talk about themselves. Give them space to talk about themselves until they’re blue in the face.”

If all else fails, he said it’s perfectly fine to excuse yourself. Protecting your own peace should come first.

“People should feel comfortable being able to remove themselves from conversations,” Allard said. “It’s your self-protection that is important.”

Three Ways to Survive Thanksgiving Dinner Without Flipping the Table:

So how do you keep the peace when the gravy’s hot but your aunt's temper is hotter?

Allard offers a few simple strategies:

1. Remember why you’re there: Focus on the purpose of Thanksgiving – try to be thankful for the opportunity to be with family, even if interactions are challenging.

2. Manage your physical and mental state: Get good rest before dinner, avoid overindulgence and try to minimize exhaustion.

3. Have escape strategies: Prepare ways to redirect the conversation to safer topics or politely excuse yourself if things get tense.

Finding Connection Amid the Chaos

Most families wouldn’t trade the time they spend with each other every Thanksgiving for the comfort of avoiding conflict. The day is memorable partly because of all the disarray, arguments and uncomfortable silences. Despite the chaos, a type of love remains behind the tension year after year.

So when the conversation at the table gets heated this Thanksgiving, relax, have fun, and remember to pass the turkey - not the tension.

Results from an Instagram Poll taken on family gatherings: