Putting the fun in finance

How Cleveland State can solve its deficit problem.

Written by Andrew Delly

Disclaimer: These suggestions are purely for comedic purposes, and are not genuine recommendations for how CSU should make back its deficit. 

If you chose Cleveland State University (CSU) as the home of your college degree from the years of 2023-2028, I imagine your college career has been largely defined by one word: debt. Beyond the financial burden of student loans that many students undertake, we are now also shouldering the shortcomings resulting from our university operating at a large deficit for multiple years.

It’s clear to me that this problem largely stems from a clear misjudgment of priorities from our school's administration. For years now, CSU has been focusing far too much on being an educational institution, rather than its true form as a for-profit business. 

To remedy this, I have just a few simple steps the school could take to turn those fiscal frowns upside down. 

1. Buy Vape Land on Euclid Avenue and allow students to use Dining Dollars to make purchases.

   
   

   1. Say what you will about tobacco companies, but they know how to cater to their market, and we could too, with one small investment.

2. Scale the cost of parking passes based on students’ GPA. 

   
   

   1. If implemented, this will cause students to study more in order to save money, increasing our educational stature, while also increasing profit margins from students who may not perform as strong in class.

3. Make the practice rooms in the Music and Communication Building coin operated. 

   
   

   1. If you’ve ever seen a music student, you’ve likely seen them carrying around an instrument. Assuming they were able to afford that, it’s a safe bet to also assume they are able to give some change for access to a space to practice. Sorry singers, you’re just going to have to front the cost for this one.

4. Rename the CSU College of Law to the “Tim Misney College of Law.”

   
   

   1. With a large donation, obviously. 

5. Make all dorms unfurnished. 

   
   

   1. “Encourage” students to rent the current furniture from the bookstore, Viking Outfitters, mandating it for freshmen.

Additional Ideas

1. Make all videos for online classes pay-per-view. 

2. CABsino now uses real money (and it’s rigged). 

3. Abolish all excessive print media. 

With just a bit of gumption and determination, CSU could climb out of its financial hole, and once again be the educational powerhouse it once was.