CSU: Conspiracies and Secrets Unveiled

Written by Quinn Hochstetler

With Thanksgiving around the corner, it’s time to brace yourself for your conspiracy theorist family members. Let’s talk about government coverups, cryptids, and the ultimate question: “what makes conspiracy theories so appealing?”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most people have that one eccentric family member. Whoever it is in your family, they likely believe in some wacky stuff. Maybe they only come around during the holidays, or maybe they live next door – which is code for up your family’s proverbial buttocks. You know them, you love them then you get a couple drinks in them and suddenly you know more than you ever wanted to about how lizard people have infiltrated the government, and worse yet, Hollywood. It simply would not feel like Thanksgiving without them.

Nowadays, conspiracy theorists are more common than ever. Your extended family may only come around a few times of year, but on any ordinary day, just a cursory glance at your phone will reveal a legion of podcasters, YouTubers and social media posts shouting about some new, centuries old coverup. 

Considering the current political landscape, it makes sense that some have begun to question the world around them. The United States government has been wrapped up in controversies and scandals since the country’s inception. Anybody remember the Hamilton-Reynolds Affair? If you do, get back in your coffin. Distrust in the government is nothing new. 

There have always been niche groups of people speculating about what else their leaders may be hiding.

It turns out, it would be more productive to ask what those leaders are not hiding. I don’t want to name names, but for the past decade it seems like trust in the people in charge of our country has been eroding little by little. 

The primary reason for this distrust is that, even though it doesn’t always seem like it, we have gotten a lot smarter as a society. In your pocket right now, you have a database that contains knowledge of all of our government’s known failures. The atrocities of the modern world are at your fingertips. 

With greater knowledge comes a greater sense of self-sufficiency. We naturally don’t like to be told what to do or what to believe. Many conspiracy theories are born when people take this mindset way too far. For some, it becomes less about scrutinizing the world around you and more about just being a contrarian. You might be able to observe with your own eyes the roundness of the Earth, but what do your eyes really know? Your eyes are a fraction of your being, maybe the rest of you say the Earth is flat!

This is where conspiracy theories get out of hand. For instance, I asked multiple anonymous Cleveland State University students about the craziest theories they’ve heard. 

One student reported that they once heard that “Helen Keller isn’t real.” As somebody who is neither blind nor deaf, I understand that her experiences are foreign to many people. Saying that she didn’t exist at all is a bit excessive, though.

What I can’t even begin to understand is how there are people who believe that birds aren’t real. You can’t make this stuff up.

Moving on, there are some whose curiosity reaches beyond the usual government secrecy. There are many who believe that cryptids – monsters and creatures that are not yet proven to exist – have been covered up as well. 

From aliens to Mongolian death worms, people who believe in these creatures are of particular interest because they often claim to have personal experiences which back up their beliefs in the paranormal. 

In fact, there are some who claim to have experienced paranormal phenomena on Cleveland State University campus. A story provided by Jaxx S. describes their rather strange experience in the Euclid Commons residence halls. They claim that they and their roommate experienced mysterious cold spots in their dorm's kitchenette. 

Jaxx said they have heard disembodied footsteps and “saw what looked like the shadow of a man sitting on the counter or standing by the door” on one occasion. Scary! 

To those staying in Euclid Commons this semester, I suggest you set out an extra plate at dinnertime. You may have an unexpected, spectral guest one of these days.

Love them or hate them, conspiracy theories are undoubtedly one of the most fascinating parts of popular culture. Even if you’re somebody like me who doesn’t often buy into any of them, you can at least appreciate the absurdity of some of these theories. 

Or perhaps it’s all a distraction from the real conspiracy: that every single one of those theories from across history was started by the tin foil companies. If there are more theorists making those pointy hats out of their product, then big foil can become the most lucrative industry of all time! Yes, it all makes sense now…