A (satirical) guide to Cleveland State for the new and gullible.
Written and created by Cameron Mays
Of all the difficulties of America’s imperial past, the easiest for me to forgive is the frequent use of the compass. From Lewis and Clark to Abbott and Costello, every explorer carried this ingenious marvel. For them, life began when the compass directed them to adventure and ended when its needle punctured their skin and caused gangrene. I do not wish to follow the footsteps of these men, or rather their compasses. I gaze into the same pool as Narcissus. I do not see a reflection of myself — I see a compass. I want what the compass has: a group of people listening to everything I have to say and my only weakness being a particularly strong magnet. Due to corrective metal plates in my skull, only one of my goals remains accomplished.
I attempted to emulate the success of the compass. An ersatz emulation, but a wholehearted effort nonetheless. At any given second, I consciously pointed some part of my body north. This made various functions awkward, namely funerals and national anthems, but no human or nation has captured my imagination quite like the compass. (Sorry, Great Aunt Martha!) After being asked to leave four high school football games and two state funerals, I began a new tactic: a directional phone service. Any time, any day, anybody could call my hotline and I would tell them where north is. It was a little tricky at first considering I was just guessing, but it paid the bills. It wasn’t until my number got confused with a public access show in Kalamazoo that I had to put an end to the service. The times had changed and my orientation days were over.
I have unfortunately forgotten that modern conveniences have made Han Dynasty conveniences slightly less convenient. The people no longer need to be oriented directionally, but oriented orientationally. These days, the government does not pay people to colonize the west, rather, they pay people to go to college. My role as a human compass is not needed in pointing people north but pointing people in the right metaphoric paths at college. By Cleveland State standards, I am a long time Cleveland State student — I have seen the campus make tremendous changes. It is my duty to point my fellow students in the righteous path as I see it. Thus, I present my Ten Commandments for going to Cleveland State.
Can’t read the list? I’m not giving it out for free! Check out my video below to get the list and get oriented!